How Seasoned Couples Succeed at Healthy Conflict.

The Gift of Respectful Conflict.

Conflict. What comes to mind when you hear or see that word? Do you break out in hives as you remember every painful breakup? Do you stand up tall, ready to fight any one who would dare oppose you? Those are two extremes but, we all have typical ways we respond to conflict, depending on our personalities and life experiences. Conflict ( or working through disagreements) is a normal transition of all close relationships, including marriage. How you handle conflict affects the quality of your relationship with your spouse. Couples who have learned to handle conflict in a respectful and constructive way seem to enjoy their marriages the most.

I enjoy observing seasoned couples who’ve learned the art of doing this conflict “dance” well. I already know what it looks like when it’s done the wrong way.  My earlier work as a marriage and family counselor plus my rookie mistakes as a wife offer many examples of that! I do love to see couples who have done the work of forming this solid tapestry of a warm (not perfect) respectful relationship that seamlessly accommodates each spouse. When I sense a couple is willing to talk about it, literally do ask them to share with me how they make it work. I am that curious.

I love to see couples who have done the work of forming this solid tapestry of a warm (not perfect) respectful relationship that seamlessly accommodates each spouse.

Here are some respectful conflict strategies that seasoned couples use.

1. They make it a goal to understand each other.

This is hard to do because you want to get your point across and make sure the other person hears you. As much as you want to be heard and understood, make it a goal to hear your spouse’s heart. Stand in the other person’s shoes for a while. See the issue from their perspective and point of view.  Observe it as they would. Seasoned couples do this beautifully and it helps them bond through their disagreements.

2. They keep their fights Issue-based and not person-based.

This means both people resist the temptation of finger-pointing and blaming. The worst type of blaming is where one person decides they know the exact motives and feelings behind their partners actions and no one can show them otherwise!  Blaming only creates a defensive atmosphere that builds walls of division rather than unity. Instead of blaming, seasoned couples look at the issue at hand and make a decision to tackle it together, with shared concern.

3. They offer respect to each other.

Respect is a feeling of admiring someone or something that is good, valuable, important, etc. Respect says, I know you hurt me but I still see your value and I will treat you as such. During conflict, careless, insulting and degrading words will only deteriorate the situation. It’s not easy to keep your words in check when you are angry, but pray for self-control and for life-giving words. Maturing as a spouse means you can hold back on what is destructive and find words that will build your marriage, no matter how hurt you feel.

Worth the work.

That peaceful and gentle glow that we see in seasoned loving couples comes with years of practice. They’ve learned to “dance” well together. They’ve  stumbled on each others toes, inflicted pain, forgiven and learned the art of flourishing together. It seemed effortless to the observing eye but we know it takes work. The reward of a marriage that is  healthy and God honoring is worth the work. In the end, conflict can energize and breathe new life in a marriage, if handled well. For this valentines day and beyond,why not give your spouse the gift of respectful conflict?

However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

Ephesians 5:33