Grieving: How are you handling it?

 Benefits of healthy grieving.

Discussions about grieving and  mourning are unpopular, because of the pain involved. Many of us have mastered the art of pushing down painful memories, just so we can survive another day. Grieving is stressful and messy. No wonder we try to avoid it!

So why discuss such an unpopular topic?

Firstly, the healing that continues to take place in my life compels me to testify of the beauty that comes out of our ashes, when we allow God to work in our pain.

Secondly, I trust that some of the lessons I’m learning in the process will help someone else in their journey to healing.

It has been several years, but I can remember the day my grandfather died, like it was yesterday . The news of his death, struck me like a lightening bolt! I had never lost someone who was that close before. He was the kindest man I knew and I loved him dearly. The immediate pain was so intense I thought I would never recover from it. I wailed loudly, unaware of anyone else around me. This loss was the first of many losses that have hit very close to home. My grand mother ( my best friend ) would follow a few years later, to my utter disbelief and renewed pain!

Grief is Universal

None of us get to go through life without loss, grief and suffering. Loss comes in different forms: Loss of a loved one in death, loss of a job, a friendship, community ties, financial security, marriage , and so on. Loss is “the state or feeling of grief when deprived of someone or something of value.”

In this post, I discuss grieving the death of a loved one, though some of the principles may apply to other losses. At the core of grieving a death is the profound sorrow and longing to have them back.  The intensity of this longing can affect every area of our lives.

How does your culture affect how your grieving?

 Your cultural background has an incredible influence on how you grieve. In Zambia (my country of origin), funerals last for several days. As soon as a person dies, relatives and friends start to gather at the “funeral home.” This is either the deceased’s residency or a relative’s home. Every time someone arrives at the funeral house, women welcome them by crying (or wailing) with them. A family member would then  relate the circumstances of the death. This process repeats as often as a new family members or friends arrive, till the day of the burial. Quite often, a family meeting is held  the day after the burial, to discuss the estate and whatever else is on people’s hearts.

Going back to the day I lost my grandfather, my culture gave me permission to grieve expressively. I grieved and wailed,right along with my family. There was something cathartic about audibly letting out what I couldn’t express any other way. I remember our family village being packed with hundreds of people for days. They were there to mourn with us. Choirs and preachers took turns singing and preaching all night long, for several nights.

When we were not crying, my family and I talked for hours on end, cementing my grandfather’s memory in our hearts. I heard stories about his life that I had never heard before. Stories I will treasure for the rest of my life. That was only the beginning of the difficult days ahead but, it gave me a starting point to truly grieve my grandfather.

You can Imagine my shock when I attended a funeral in the USA for the first time. The silence was overwhelming! I have, since then, come to understand and accept different ways of mourning. There is no one right way to do it. Every culture has its rituals and unspoken guidelines. The important thing is that you do allow yourself to grieve.

What happens if you don’t allow yourself to grieve?

1. You lower your quality of life. The pain and issues you try to bury just come up in different forms ( like addictions , poor physical health, excessive anger and bitterness ).

2. You numb and desensitize your heart so you don’t have to feel much, good or bad

3. You lower your expectations to avoid disappointment.

4. You allow the light to go out of your life and you may, eventually, spiral into despair.

What are the benefits of healthy grieving?

1. It helps you live with an enthusiastic, proactive attitude, instead of a reactive victim mentality. In other words you won’t wait around to see what other catastrophe happens to you.
2. It increases your emotional capacity to handle life and people better.
3. It gives you freedom and permission to dream big and risk gain , despite earlier hurts and disappointment
4. It keeps your heart soft and gives you empathy for other people’s losses and weakness.
5. It allows you to help and forgive others without being overly critical or looking for something in return.
6. It restores your capacity to trust God, other people and yourself again.

Grieving is inevitable. If you are living and relating, you will lose something. If you don’t grieve your losses well, you shortchange yourself from living a fruitful life. In my next post, I will look at the phases of grief and how you can pray through your grief. There is hope at the end of the messy process!

What practices in your culture promote healthy grieving? Please share.